If you're like me, you may be concerned about your carbon footprint. You're probably wondering to yourself, "Am I doing enough to pollute the environment?"
But face it, you're busy. Budgets are tight. It's not like you can go out and buy a Hummer just so you can spew more carbon monoxide. And if you stop recycling, your neighbors may look at you funny.
Well, worry no longer. Through my new Carbon Debit Program, you can pay me to maximize your carbon footprint! For just $250 per debit, I can ease your conscience. So what exactly is a "carbon debit"? For the low price of $250, I will drive around the neighborhood for an extra 30 minutes, for the sole purpose of producing the smog you were too busy too.
But that's not all! Purchase the extra Landfill Option for $25 and I will litter profusely while I drive. For $500 you can purchase our Silver Package, which guarantees I will drive around for one hour in an SUV doing same as above, but within a 1 mile radius of an EPA- declared "endangered zone."
For $1000 and not only will I stop recycling for a week, but I will double- bag all of my groceries, get everything "to go" in restaurants, and turn my thermostat up to 75°,
So worry no longer that you're not doing enough. And don't forget to tell your liberal friends!
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